No Pie
by Rose Tyler
Summary: Esther is back once more, and Elena and her friends must decide what to do. As Elena struggles to defeat Esther and choose between the Salvatore brothers, Sam and Dean come in to clean up the mess that is The Vampire Diaries.


**A/N:** I got bored and started writing this. It's a parody of the Vampire Diaries and all of it's repeat storylines and the random changes that appear so conveniently when necessary to the plot. The story also features Sam and Dean Winchester. I don't by any means intend for this to be a good story, I just wrote it to amuse myself and decided to share. Hopefully I can make a few others laugh. No hate to either show, of course, I just thought this would be a fun crossover to write. Just felt the need to say that before you read and get upset. Anyway, hope you enjoy it! :) But if not... nasty reviews aren't necessary, please just stop reading.

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"I just… I… I can't choose!" Elena Gilbert whined, her fingers knotted in her hair. "I love you both, for different reasons."

Both Salvatore brothers nodded. "We understand," they said in unison.

"We will both wait for your decision. Forever, if needed," Stefan said in an understanding voice, and his brother beside him nodded.

"Good," Elena stated. "Because I don't think I'm going to be able to make a choice within my lifetime."

"Guys, we have a problem," Caroline said frantically, bursting into the room and interrupting the tense moment between the two bothers and the girl who they both loved.

"What is it?" Damon asked, immediately tensing as if preparing for a fight.

"Esther is back. We have to come up with a plan to destroy her before she destroys us… now!" Caroline loudly explained, brushing her hair out of her face.

"Okay, we need to get Jeremy out of town. I want him safe," Elena demanded.

"Jeremy isn't anywhere near town," said Stefan.

"What? Where is he?" A look of panic spread across Elena's face.

"He's been gone for like… six episodes now," Damon told her. "He just hasn't had any use for the continuation of the plot."

"Oh, that's right," Elena said, relief washing across her dark features. "Has Bonnie been in any recent episodes?"

"No, not for eight. But she should be appearing any time now to quickly do a spell for us and then vanish again," Caroline narrated.

Suddenly, as if on cue, Bonnie entered the room. "I have a spell that should work on warding off Esther," she said, down to business right off the bat.

"None of your spells ever work. And your hair, by the way, looks like shit," Elena told her friend in a kind tone. "We're best friends, no matter what horrible things I say and do to you. Right, Bonnie?"

"Right!" Bonnie cheerfully exclaimed. "Best friends always. Even when you throw me in front of a bus for your own selfish needs and then somehow manage to make people feel bad for you instead of helping me."

"Hey, I'd take you to the hospital," Damon said, patting her on the back. He snickered and did his eye thing as he stuck a wad of chewed gum in her hair.

Stefan frowned. "Damon, that's mean. No actually, that's hilarious," he said, now smiling. "No wait, that's mean. Hilarious. Mean. Hilarious."

Elena turned to Damon, looking irritated while the two people inside Stefan's mind argued. "Damon, stop it with that ridiculous eye thing! It's so stupid, I just don't get it. Why do girls like that? It's so creepy!" Frustrated, she wove her fingers through her hair once more.

"You're so kindhearted, Elena," Damon told her with a look of pure adoration in his eyes. Bonnie nodded in agreement, smiling.

"Mean. Hilarious. I'm hungry! I want human blood. No no, human blood would be evil. I need to go find a deer or something. Oh, but human blood is much more fun!" Stefan continued arguing with his second personality.

"Hey, where's Caroline?" Bonnie asked, noticing the absence of her friend.

"Not necessary for this plot anymore," Damon reminded her. "Her main purpose is to be the bearer of bad news, then retreat to a far less significant second plot. She's going to do a different scene where she flirts with Tiki's grandad at the Mystic Grill."

"Why him?"

"She's been with every other human guy on the show already," Damon explained.

"Eew, he's too old for her," Elena said, wrinkling her nose. "What weird teenage girl would be romantically interested in a man three times her age?"

"I'm back!" they all heard Esther shout as the doors to the room flew open. "And I mean business." She then snapped the neck of a random girl who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere to prove her point.

"Oh my gosh, that was Lana!" Elena shouted. "You killed Lana!" She began to cry as everyone else in the room looked sad.

"You know her?" Esther questioned, looking surprised. "She's never been in any episodes before."

"But she was our best friend!" Elena argued. "We should all totally be upset about her death!"

"Seriously, she has _never_ been on this show before," Esther replied. "I don't know why you people always pretend to care about random people you've never met. Lana isn't even her name, it's Amy."

"No, she's Lana," Elena gasped through fake sobs.

"She's wearing a nametag that says "Hi, I'm Amy!" Esther explained in frustration, pointing to the girl's nametag.

"Glah glah oomna bishbisha rah!" Bonnie shouted, blood now dripping from her nose. Esther fell over dead, landing in a casket that conveniently somehow managed to appear in the Gilbert living room.

"What the hell did that mean?" Damon asked, moving his eyebrows so close together they appeared to merge into a unibrow.

Bonnie shrugged. "Well, I've done a spell. Time for me to leave for a few more episodes." She turned and walked out of the room.

"I shall dominate this body. No I will. No, _I_ will!" Stefan now shouted with crazy eyes.

Caught up in the nonexistent heat of the moment, Elena ran over and threw her arms around Damon, pressing her lips to his. Just as he moved to kiss back, she pulled away and slapped him. "How dare you!" she said. "You know I love Stefan."

"But I-" Damon's words were cut short when Esther popped back up from within the casket.

"I'm back!" She cackled.

"Oh my god, how many times can someone _possibly_ die and then pop back up five seconds later?" Damon asked, irritation evident in his voice. "All the time, dead, alive, dead alive… you're like a Barbie jack-in-the-box."

"Why do you call every blonde woman Barbie? It's getting really old, nobody thinks it's funny anymore," Elena said bitchily.

Damon looked at her, hopelessly in love. "I love you."

Esther sat up in the casket, muttering gibberish at Elena. Suddenly, Elena found that she could not breathe. She dramatically grabbed at her throat, waving her other arm in the air and making gagging noises. She then fell over, dead.

Suddenly, Esther was hit from behind with a wooden plank that had been ripped from the floor. She fell back into the casket, now dead for the twentieth time. Damon looked up to see Stefan standing there, holding the plank. "Good Stefan won the body!" he proclaimed proudly, a huge grin on his face. Suddenly, his face fell dark. "For now," he mumbled in a demented voice.

"Elena… she's dead," Damon said, turning his eyes to the dead girl lying on the floor. Both brothers stood looking down at the body, looks of pure agony etched across their faces.

"Don't worry, I'm fine," she said, calmly sitting up.

They both looked at her in confusion. "What? How?" Damon asked.

"I'm really Katherine," she explained mischievously as Elena stepped out from her hiding place in the closet.

Stefan smiled. "Wow, that was convenient."

"Okay, that is _it_," came a deep male voice from behind them.

The Salvatores did not have the chance to look for the source of the voice before their heads were chopped off. Katherine screamed and tried to run, but she also was immediately beheaded.

Dean Winchester looked at Elena for a moment before chopping her head off, as well.

"Dean, she was human!" Sam objected. Dean raised his eyebrows at Sam. "Yeah, on second thought, good idea."

"Hey," said Matt, strolling into the room through the broken front door.

"Um… hey," Dean said hesitantly. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Matt," Matt nodded.

"And what are you doing here?" Sam asked as if speaking to a five year old who was lost at the supermarket.

"I don't really know. I just kind of get paid to pop up in every episode. Usually at the restaurant where I work to serve drinks to the main characters, but occasionally I enter a different scene just to mix things up a little and not seem completely insignificant to the show."

"Okay, this town is weird. Let's get out of here," Sam said to his brother.

"Wait, hold up." Dean held his hand up in his brother's face. He turned to Matt. "Does your restaurant have pie?"

"No," Matt answered. "Our only two patrons are Damon and that drunken history teacher who never shows up for class. All we have is whiskey."

"No pie? This is a strange town," Dean muttered with disapproval as he and Sam headed towards their car, and towards their next, far less disturbing adventure.


End file.
